The 12 Stages of modern love story : must read

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JANUARY - ROSE

FEBRUARY - PROPOSE

MARCH - GIFT

APRIL - LIFT

MAY - CHATTING

JUNE - DATING

JULY - MISS YOU

AUGUST - KISS YOU

SEPTEMBER - ANGER

OCTOBER - DANGER

NOVEMBER - LEFT

DECEMBER - NEXT

Biggest tension of Pak Captain: too Hilarious Must read : Funny forwarded Email.

What's the biggest tension for Pakistani captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 overs with 5 wickets in hand?

How to speak English at the presentation ceremony! 
 

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always used his standard response to the first question after winning   But this time, After Winning the Match: Tony Greg : So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy? Inzamam : Thanks Tony. All credit goes to the boys! Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and delivers good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result!! Tony fainted!!!!

Kasam se : Haa haa haa : Maza aa gaya : Must Read

Delhi

Ke

Pass

Ke

Nizamuddin

Railway

Stn

Ki

Train no 6162

Ke

Route

Ke

3rd station

bharatpur

Ke

Ek

Chotese

Gaon

Ke

Nazdeekwale

Kabristan

Ke

Chowkidar

Ki

Kabar

Pe

Baithe

Hue

Kutte

Ki

Agewali

Right

Side

Ki

Tang

Ki

Teesri

Ungli

Ke

Nakhoon

Ke

Paas

Chupe

Hue

Macchar

Ke

Pait

Me

Rehenewale

Bacteria

Ke

Chromosomal

DNA

Ki

Thymine

Nucleoide

Ki

5th

Carbon

Ke

Outer

Shell

Ke

4th

Electron

Ki

Kasam,

Sirf disturb karne ke liye Email kiya hai………

CORRECT WAY OF COOKING NOODLES : For the health

For all, who love eating Maggi...


DO NOT IGNORE THIS ... Especially those fond of Maggi...'






'CORRECT WAY OF COOKING NOODLES'
The correct way to cook instant noodles without harming our bodies and health. `Normally, how we cook the instant noodles is to put the noodles into a pot with water, throw in the powder and let it cook for around 3 minutes and then it's ready to eat.


This is the WRONG method of cooking the instant noodles.


By doing this, when we actually boil the ingredients in the powder, normally with MSG, it will change the molecular structures of the MSG causing it to be toxic.


The other thing that you may or may not realize is that, the noodles are coated with wax and it will take around 4 to 5 days for the body to excrete the wax after you have taken the noodles.


CORRECT METHOD :
1. boil the noodles in a pot with water.
2. once the noodles is cooked, take out the noodles, and throw away the water which contains wax.
3. boil another pot of water till boiling and put the noodles into the hot boiling water and then shut the fire.
4. only at this stage when the fire is off, and while the water is very hot, put the ingredient with the powder into the water, to make noodle soup.
5. however, if you need dry noodles, take out the noodles and add the ingredient with the powder and toss it to get dry noodles.


Dietician's Note: If you buy plain hakka noodles which you make initially need to boil in water and discard the water. This will soften the noodles but to prevent it from sticking we need to add a tbsp of oil and also the noodles are deep fried partially to make it crunchy and then dusted with flour to prevent it from sticking while boiling. Hence when you buy the noodles they are already made unhealthy and this is the type we use to make stir fry noodles and the regular Maggie too is made the same way plus they add MSG / Ajinomoto and other chemical preservatives.


A large number of patient with the ages ranging from 18-24 years are ending up with pancreatitis either as a swelling or infection of the pancreas due to regular consumption of instant noodles... If the frequency is more than 3 times a week, then it is very hazardous...

Missing the Best days of college : tooooooo good

1. On being Late:

"Kab shuru hui class?"

"Attendance ho gayi kya??"

"Kal raat der tak gappe marte rahe yaar"

"Aab nind nahi khuli to mein kya karu.......... bolna ....... kal kya
padaya tha isne"

"Ek page de na........... abey pen bhi to de, nahi to kisse

likhunga......."  

" koi subah kaise aa sakta hai........"

"wo bhi iss class ke liye "

2. During the lecture:

"Yesss!!!! Sirrr.......The answer is

........huuuummmmm.......aaaaaaaa............."

"No sir.....I know the answer ......sir...."

"Saala apne aapko Newton samajta hai"

"Abe lecture ko maar goli..... Anjali kya lag rahi hai aaj........"

"Uski tshirt pe kya likha hai dekh"

"Uske bagal mein nahi baith sakta tha kya.......gadha......."

"Kya bore kar raha hai. Bola tha canteen chalte hain .."

"Heads, we go canteen , Tails, we go now!!!"

3. Lab:

"Expt. 2 likha??"

"last time tu aaya the kya?""

"Karna kya hai??"

"Yeh bhai.....merko pata hota to tere pass kyon aata........"

"Areee tu to bura maan gaya .......chal dikha na.....bhau kyo kata
hai...."

4. BEC QUIZ:

"AAJ BISWAS QUIZ LEGA???? ......Aree yaar...... "

"Kya....... abe quiz mein itna sara topic hai to final mein kya

hoga...."

"Oye Sushil kaha hai......uska roll number mere baad hai.......wo nahi
aaya to mein pakka fail...."

After test......

"yaar pada tha....recall nahi kar paya.......chhod na ....... Canteen
chalega..." SAHI !!

"arrey equation to aa gayi thi par calculation lambe the......"

5. For attendance

"I was in the class, attendence bolna bhool gaya "

"Oye usko thoda khush kar list se tera naam hata dega........."

"Bola tha proxy regularly maar........ Saale tera class karne ka kya
faida hua....."

6. Late submission of assignments:

" Maine us ko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein
submit kar dena"

"Ab mein kya karu usne mereko bole bina hi submit kar diya........"

"They should allow XEROX........sala system hi kharab hai " 

7 . After exam:

"Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya? Shitt..."

"kya bol raha hai yaar..aise karna tha kya"

"1st mein 3 marks.....2nd mein 0.......3rd mein 2.......
Gaya..........fail pakka......."

"Yaar notice lagte hi hata dena.........wo kya soochegi mera marks dekh
kar......"

8 . VIVA DURING ASSIGN EVALUATION:

"Assignment to khud kiya nahi tha , VIVA me kya ghanta karunga"

"Aeee.......Akash......terese kya kya poocha....mood kaisa hai.."

"tutor ki girl friend nahi hai kya.......usse jana nahi hai kya milne....."

"Dekh Boss!! tutor bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ki ab tak
preparation nahi hui hai" 

9 . Submission:

"Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?"

"kaat kaat ke likh le...kaon padhta hai"

"Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?"

"Jai ho computer baba ki......jai ho Ctrl C - Ctrl V ki......."

"Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"


10 .Copying Assignments:

"Ye tune kya likha hai????"

(The best one)

"Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha
hai uska drawing nikal"

"Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??"

" Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar."

"Koi hint........"

"Are baba ghaseet de........na tu samjega na wo........."

"scp kar de yaar 3rd question .....mein variable change kar dunga...."

12. Exam:

"Jo (mujhe) aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai
woh aata hai"  ..VERY VERY TRUE !!

"ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai yaar....to ab kya poochenge"

"ye last time hi poochha thaa......is baar nahi aana chahiye"

"tere paas is ke notes hai?? mein to class me so raha tha...kuch nahi likha..."

"Neend aa rahi mujhe to...thodi der so jata hoo..utha diyo pakka"

"woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks
the story)"

"nahi samjha to rat le" - PERFECT ONE

"Iss paper mein roll number ke kya order hai........ aaju baju kon baitha hai...."

"Ek aur din ka gap de dete to kya 3rd World War ho jata tha kya........."
I AGREE !! !!

HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES : Must Read

At 4 Years
My daddy is great.

At 6 Years
My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years
My daddy is good but is short tempered

At 12 Years
My daddy was very nice to me when I was young .

At 14 Years
My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years
My daddy is not in line with the current times.

At 18 Years
My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years
Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy.
Wonder how Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years
Daddy is objecting to everything.

At 30 Years
It's becoming difficult to manage my son.
I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years
Daddy brought me up with so much discipline.
Even I should do the same.

At 45 Years
I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years
My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up.
I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years
My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.
He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years
My daddy is great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the first stage.

How much an illiterate politician earn in India : Amazing figures

Politics is not a SERVICE anymore but a PROFESSION.


An Important Issue!


Salary & Govt. Concessions for a Member of Parliament (MP) 


Monthly Salary: Rs. 12,000/- 


Expense for Constitution per month: Rs. 10,000/-


Office expenditure per month: Rs. 14,000/-


Traveling concession (Rs. 8 per km): Rs. 48,000/-


(eg. For a visit from South India to Delhi & return: 6000 km) 


Daily DA TA during parliament meets: Rs. 500/day 


Charge for 1 class (A/C) in train: Free (For any number of times)   
(All over India)   


Charge for Business Class in flights: Free for 40 trips / year (With wife or P.A.)   


Rent for MP hostel at Delhi: Free.


Electricity   costs at home: Free up to 50,000 units.


Local phone call charge: Free up to 1, 70,000 calls. 


TOTAL expense for a MP [having no qualification] per year:  Rs.32, 00,000/-


[i.e. 2.66 lakh/month] 
TOTAL expense for 5 years:   Rs. 1, 60, 00,000/-


For 534 MPs, the expense for 5 years: 
Rs. 8,54,40,00,000/-


 (Nearly 855 crores) 
AND THE PRIME MINISTER IS ASKING THE HIGHLY QUALIFIED, OUT PERFORMING CEOs TO CUT DOWN THEIR SALARIES..... 
This is how all our tax money is been swallowed and price hike on our regular commodities......... 
And this is the present condition of our country: 


- Hundreds of Farmers suicide because of debts.
- Still so many people do not have proper shelter to spend their cold nights.
- Many poors live on daily earning of less than a dollar.




855 crores could make their life livable!!   
Think of the great democracy we have…

Religious Nuts : Funny Joke

Religious Nuts
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two pandits from the local mandir were standing by the side of the road, putting a sign into the ground that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

One pandit turns to other and asks,

"Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

The Guys' Rules : Man vs Woman : Funny forwarded Email

The guys' rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( i must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear " the rules "from the female side.

now here are the rules from the male side. 
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1.   Men are not mind readers. 
  
2. Shopping is not a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! 

5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor. 

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you won't dress like the victoria's secret girls, don'texpect us to act like soap opera guys. 

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one 

12. You can either ask us to do something 
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

14. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

  16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not wor th the hassle.

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, movies 
or  politics .

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes. 

22. I am in shape.   Round is a shape!

 Thank you for reading this.

yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh. 

Business Policy : too good

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

Friends….A to Z : Must read : Forwarded Email

Friends….A to Z

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in “you”
(C)alls you just to say “HI”
(D)oesn’t give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust “be” with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)plains thing you don’t understand
(Y)ells when you won’t listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality 

-----------------------------------------

Thoughtful Forwarded email : Paradox of our Era

The Paradox of Our Age:
We have bigger houses but smaller families;

more conveniences, but less time;

We have more degrees, but less sense;

more knowledge, but less judgement;

more experts, but more problems;

more medicines, but less healthiness;

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We built more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever,

but have less communication;

We have become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;

Tall man but short character;

Steep profits but shallow relationships.

It's a time when there is much in the window, but nothing in the room

New way of writing answers in exams : jokes of the day

If you don’t know the answer,
then put lines like this:


||||||||||


and write below :
“Scratch here for ANSWERS”


---------------------------'

Santa by mistake goes into a ladies toilet.
All ladies suddenly stand up
Santa: Izzat dil me ho yehi kaafi hai, Baitho Baitho…
---------------------------------



Jab question paper ho out of control,
Answer sheet ko karke fold,
Aeroplane banake bol...
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....

All is fail!
-------------------------------------

Dad: Ess Baar exam me paas ho ya fail BIKE zarur dilaunga.


Son: Kaunsi bike?


Dad: Pass he to “APACHE” college jane ke liye.


Fail hue to “RAJDOOT” dood bechne ke liye.
---------------------------------- A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

Hillarious Hindi Joke : Just Awesome - Must read

एक चीता Cigarette का सुत्ता लगाने ही वाला था की अचानक एक चूहा वहाँ आया और बोला
"मेरे भाई छोड़ दो नशा, आओ मेरे साथ भागो, देखो ये जंगल कितना खूबसूरत है, आओ मेरे साथ दुनिया देखो"
चीतै ने एक लम्हा सोचा फिर चूहे के साथ दौड़ने लगा।

आगे एक हाथी अफ़ीम पी रहा था, चूहा फिर बोला,
"हाथी मेरे भाई छोड़ दो नशा, आओ मेरे साथ भागो, देखो ये जंगल कितना खूबसूरत है, आओ मेरे साथ दुनिया देखो"
हाथी भी साथ दौरने लगा।

आगै शेर whisky पीने की तैयारी कर रहा था, चूहे ने उसै भी वोही कहा।
शेर ने glass side पर रखा और चूहे को 5- 6 थप्पर मारे।

हाथी बोला, "अरे ये तो तुम्हे ज़िन्दगी की तरफ ले जा रहा हा, क्यों मार रहै हो इस बेचारे को ?"

शेर बोला, "यह कमीना पिछली  बार भी cocaine पी कर मुझे 3 घंटे जंगल मे घुमाता रहा"।

Munnabhai Jokes (In Hindi) : Set 1 : Mast hai

प्रोफेस्सोर : गांधी जयंती के बारे में क्या जानते  हो?
मुन्ना भाई : गांधी बहुत जबरदस्त आदमी था, बाप। माँ कसम, पर आपन को यह नहीं मालूम के यह जयंती कौन है।
______________________________

CIRCUIT : भाई, बापू ने बोला था के कभी झूट नहीं बोलना माँगता है। आपन आज से कभी झूट नहीं बोलेगा भाई।
मुन्ना भाई : आये Circuit, व्हो सुनीता का बाप आया है तेरैको ढूंढ रहेला  है।
CIRCUIT : भाई उसको बोलो आपन गाँव गया है, खेती करने को ।
मुन्ना भाई : पर Circuit, अभी तो तू बोला कभी झूट नहीं बोलेगा।
CIRCUIT : भाई, आपन झूट नहीं बोलेगा, पर तुम तो बोल सकता है न।
______________________________

मामू : चांद तोह रात को निकलता है, आज दिन में कैसे निकल आया?
गर्ल : उल्लू तो रात को बोलता है, आज दिन में कैसे बोल पड़ा?
_______________________________

CIRCUIT : भाई, व्हो अपनाई बचपन का दोस्त आरेह्ला आज रात को दिन्नेर पे। मेरा सारा chain collection अपनाई कमरे  में छुपा दो न please।
मुन्नाभाई : क्यूँ तेरा दोस्त चोर है क्या?
CIRCUIT : नहीं भाई, व्हो अपनाई chain पेह्चान  लेगा।
________________________________

मामू : भाई, अपनाई को चार महिनै में तमिल सीखना पडेगा। कुछ उपाय बताओ।
मुन्ना भाई : Kannada क्यूँ, और चार महिनै का क्या चक्कर है?
मामू : मैनै एक तमिल बक्चा adopt किया है, और व्हो चार महिनै में बोलने लगाई गा।

----------------

PJ of the day : Pakau Joke - Seriously pak gaya main :P

PJ of the DAY

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.

One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came
under the bus and died on the spot.

Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber.

There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.

The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him! .

But to everyone's amazement, he survived.

The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried
to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the
police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel
at one corner of the room.

He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived.

The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.

This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.

Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.

The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.

Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana
peel at one corner of the room.

He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical.

If necessary read the puzzle once again.








Still you couldn't,! Then see below.........



Think hard
Tired....



wanna know the answer????

Answer :

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him.

But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!