Funny jokes and quotes | Must Read | Hindi | Friendship

Banta thought LOL meant.??

Lots of Love.!!

So.,

He sent it in the following text 2 his GIRL FRIEND-

You are the only girl in my life..LOL

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A CHAND TU CHAMAK YA NA CHAMAK 

MUJHE KOI GAM NAHI,

EK CHAND AISA BHI HAI JISKI 

CHAMAK TUJHSE KAM NAH

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Heart is like Crystal,

Preserve it,

Love is like perfume,

Spread it

Feelings are like flood,

Flow it

FRIENDSHIP is like Umbrella,

Share it

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1day sardar saw a dream, that someone killed him.

Next day he closed his 

icici bank account. Why?

Becoz of icici's slogan: "we make ur dreams come true"

Think different.

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Lalu-Rabri tum meri CHAND ho.

Rabri- Na ji, hamko CHAND-VAND mat kahiye.

eee sasura America wale roz 

chand par utarte rahte hai

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Bikhar: kuch khane ko dedo baba

admi: tamatar khao

bikhari: roti dedo baba

admi: tamatar khao

bikhari: tamatar hi dedo baba

admi ki biwi : ye totle hai keh rahe 

hai kamake khao.

Funny.Definitions | too hilarious | must read

Wonderfully described definitions.......   CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other! MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight! OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!" PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH! FATHER: A banker provided by nature CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence Later DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

Milk and Eggs | Funny Joke | English joke

 

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!) 

True educators.. thoughtful joke

 Was it inevitable or clever move!

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. 
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance 
man. 

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. 

He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. 

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 

LOL: Getting Older.. Funny quote

Funny jokes ... Explain the kids

Explain the kids!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Make me feel like a WOMAN.. Funny jokes..

 

 A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful,

and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by
lightning. One woman lost it completely.

  She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too
young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone
on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

  For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from
Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

  He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He
removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

  She gasped...

  Then, he spoke...

  'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

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Funy Joke : Too sick to work .. just too funny

Too Sick to Work

-------------------------

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." 

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I  really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." 

Nobody Tells Me Anything .. too cute

Nobody Tells Me Anything

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said, "What are the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything.

Funny whatsapp jokes.. must read

Pyaar Karne Ki Apni ek Reet Hai

Pyaar Ka Dusara Naam Hi to Preet Hai ..

Isiliye Try Maaro Har Ladki Pe 

kyunki Darr Ke Aage Hi Jeet Hai .

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Na Maa ke pyaar se,

Na Daddy ke maar se,

Na doston ki fatkaar se,

Na ladki ki inkaar se....

Aur na hi chapplon ki bauchar se

*

Tujh jaise aashiq sudhrenge to,

RAKHI ke hathiyaar se

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Har taraf padhi ki moh maya h.

kitabo me sukh kisne paya h.

hum to colg jate hai ladkiya dekhne k liye..

aur madam kehti hai ki bacha itni 

thand me padhne aya hai

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Factoriya jitni thi mere yaar khagaye,

meri sari jayedat mere ristedar khagaye,

marne ke bad bhi ki humse daga bazi,

banwaya mera mazar toh meenar khagaye..

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Ishq baazi wo kare, jo jaan ki baazi lga sake......

.

.

.

Ishq baazi wo kare, jo jaan ki baazi lga sake

Ghar ke bartan bechke mashooq 

ko raazi kar sake....

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Nail paint lagaya jaata h nail mein...

wah wah

nail paint lagaya jaata h nai mein...

Wah wah

ACP-ab tum zindagi bhar sadte rehna jail mein..

Animal Jokes .. Funny whatsapp jokes

 

Some funny animal jokes!! OK, I know they're silly but you gotta laugh!! ;-)

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone. 

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Funny whatsapp quotes .. Just too good

Mere Pyar ko Bewafai ka naam de gayi

Mere dil ko yado ka paigam degayi

Maine kaha mere dilme dard hai

To Idiot jate-jate

"Zandu Balm" Degayi

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Maatam pasra hai sahar me...

aur bheed bhraa hai shamshaan...

koi puche to keh denaa .......

ho raha "Bharat Nirmaan" !!

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hamne tumse pyar kiya abla samaj kar,

tere baap ne mujhe pita tabla samaj kar.

maine tumse pyar kiya durga samaj kar,

tere bhaiyo ne mujhe kata murga samaj kar

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Katrina kaif crores mein kamati hai

Wah! wah!

Katrina kaif crores me kamati hai

.

.

fir b 30 Rupay ka Pauwaa chhada k aa Jati He

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Jali ko aag kehte hay,bujhi ko rakh kehtey hey,

cobra ko naag kehte hay,

garden ko baag kehte hay,

Aur jo apke paas nahi usey dimaag kehtey hay.

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Dil torne wale ko saza nahi milti,

Har kisi ko pyar karne ki dua nahi milti,

Log kahte hai ishq to ek rog hai,

To phir medical store pe iski "Dawa" kyu nahi milti

LOTTO (The Lottery) : Funny Joke

 

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket first."

Funny Whatsapp Joke : BACK SEAT

 

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"

she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."

He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."__

Just too funny : Bureaucracy in India

 

This is worth reading - Bureaucracy in India, A hilarious example of what bureaucracy can do.***

A Team comprising of a Writer, a Producer, a Director, etc applied to the Government of India for financial assistance with the script to produce a Movie on Mahabharata.
All of them committed suicide later and the reason will be very obvious once you have read the reply from Govt.

=============================
Dated ............ .........

Subject: Mahabharata

To: The Writer, Film Director and Film Producer, Mumbai

Ref: Film story submitted by you, regarding financing of films by Government of India , 
Your letter dt. ................. .

The undersigned is directed to refer the above letter and state that the Government has examined your proposal for financing a film called''Mahabharat' . The Very High Level Committee constituted for this purpose has been in consultation with the Human Rights Commission, National Commission for Women and Labour Commission, in addition to various Ministries and State Governments and have formed definitive opinions about the script. Their observations are as below:

1. In the script submitted by you it is shown that there were two sets of cousins, namely, the Kauravas, numbering one hundred, and the Pandavas, numbering five. 
The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has pointed out that these numbers are high, well above the norm prescribed for families by them It is brought to your kind attention that when the Government is spending huge amounts for promoting family planning, this will send wrong signals to the public. 

Therefore, it is recommended that there may be only three Kauravas and one Pandava.

2. The Ministry of Parliamentary Affairs has raised an issue whether it is suitable to depict kings and emperors in this democratic age. 
Therefore, it is suggested that the Kauravas may be depicted as Honorable Members of Parliament (Lok Sabha) and the Pandava maybe depicted as Honourable Member of Parliament (Rajya Sabha). 

The ending of the film shows the victory of the said Pandavas over the said Kauravas. The ending may be suitably modified so that neither of the Honorable Members of Parliament are shown as being inferior to the other.

3. The Ministry of Science and Technology has observed that the manner of birth of Kauravas is suggestive of human cloning, a technology banned in India. This may be changed to normal birth.

4. The National Commission for Women has objected that the father of Pandavas, one Sri Pandu is depicted as bigamous, and also there is only one wife for the Pandavas in common. Therefore suitable changes maybe made in the said script so that the said Sri Pandu is not depicted as bigamous. However, with the reduction in number of Pandavas as suggested above, the issue of polyandry can be addressed without further trouble.

5. The Commission for the Physically Challenged has observed that the portrayal of the visually impaired character 'Dhritharastra' is derogatory. Therefore the said character may not be shown as visually impaired.

6. The Department of Women and Child Development have highlighted that the public disrobing of one female character called 'Draupadi' is objectionable and derogatory to women in general. 

Further the Home Ministry anticipates that depiction of such scenes may create law and order problem and at the same time invite strong protests from the different women forums. 
Such scenes may also invite penal action under SITA (Suppression of Immoral Traffic Act), therefore they may be avoided and deleted from the film.

7. It is felt that showing the Pandava and the Kauravas as gamblers will be anti-social and counter-productive as it might encourage gambling. Therefore, the said Pandava and Kauravas may be shown to have engaged in horse racing. (Hon. Supreme Court has held horse racing not to be gambling)

8. The Pandavas are shown as working in the King Virat's employment without receiving any salary.
According to the Human Rights Commission, this amounts to bonded labor and may attract provisions of The Bonded Labor System (Abolition) Act, 1976. This may be corrected at once.

9. In the ensuing war, one character by name Sri Abhimanyu has been shown as fighting. The National Labor Commission has observed that, war being a hazardous industry, and the said character being 16 years old, this depiction will be construed as a case of child labor. 

Also there is no record of his being paid any compensation. This may also be deemed to be violators of the provisions of The Child Labor (Prohibition and Regulation) Act, 1986 and Minimum Wages Act, 1948. Such references in the film may be removed.

10. The character 'Sri Krishna' has been depicted as wearing a peacock feather. The peacock is our National Bird and wearing dresses made from peacock feather is an offence under the Wild Life Protection Act, 1972. This may not be depicted.

11. Smt Maneka Gandhi has raised very serious objection for using any elephants or horses in war scenes,
since there is every scope for mistreatment and injury to the said animals. The provisions of the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act, 1890 and Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (Amendment) Act, 1960 would be applicable in the instant case. Suitable changes may be made in the script to address the objections raised.

12. In pursuance of the Memorandum of Ministry of Finance regarding austerity measures, it is informed that in the battle field sequences, only ten soldiers may be allowed for each side. 

Also, all the characters may be shown to have obtained a valid licence under the Arms Act, 1959 as well as the Indian Arms Act, 1878.


You are therefore requested to modify the script along the lines indicated above and resubmit it to the undersigned at the earliest for reconsideration.

Sd/-

Under Secretary*

Funny whatsapp joke : Are you an ENGINEER?

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India.

He said: Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only.

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an Animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a Horse
I go to work running like a Deer
I work all the day like a Donkey
I run around for 11 months like a Bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a Monkey if I get time.
I am like a Rabbit before my wife

Doctor: Are you an ENGINEER?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

Funny: Never trust a lawyer that can use sign language

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper  A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language ..  The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"  Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"  The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."  Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"  The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." …..

Funny Joke : 86 Year-Old Blonde

 

A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing. "First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer. "I decided not to turn right," she explains. "Then why the up and down?" asks the officer. "Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"

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Funny Joke : Ask Questions

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. 

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Funny Hindi jokes - Must read

Ek ladki ne chote bache k gaal pe kiss ki.

Girl-oh sorry tumare gaal pe lipstick lag gyi.

Baby kuch achcha karne se agar daag 

lagte he to daag achche hain

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2 dost ek hi exm me 2 ri bar fail ho gaye

1 dost- chal yaar suicide karte hai,

2 dost- abe pagla gaya h kya agle janam fir

"jr.KG" se shuru karna padega..

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Dad- Whos this girl ??

Boy- ohh she, My girlfriend

.

.

next day

Dad- now whos this "new" girl?

Boy-Rishta wohi Item Nayee..

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2 cockroach ICU Me ek dusre ke bagal me admit the..

1st- Kisne maara?

2nd- Arey koi ni, ek ladki mujhe dekh k

itna chillayi ke heart attack aa gya.

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salman khan-he bhagwan, 

mujhe itna smart kyon banaya, 

jab dekho ladkiyan paresan krti hain

bhagwan-jab tu itna paresan hai to

jra soch vivek kitna paresan hoga

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PATI:Kaash main GANPATI hota tum 

111- din tak meri puja karti Modak, Ladoo khilati....

PATNI:Haan kaash aisa hota fir har

saal Visarjan ke saal NAYA pati lati.