Funny jokes and quotes | Must Read | Hindi | Friendship

Banta thought LOL meant.??

Lots of Love.!!

So.,

He sent it in the following text 2 his GIRL FRIEND-

You are the only girl in my life..LOL

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A CHAND TU CHAMAK YA NA CHAMAK 

MUJHE KOI GAM NAHI,

EK CHAND AISA BHI HAI JISKI 

CHAMAK TUJHSE KAM NAH

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Heart is like Crystal,

Preserve it,

Love is like perfume,

Spread it

Feelings are like flood,

Flow it

FRIENDSHIP is like Umbrella,

Share it

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1day sardar saw a dream, that someone killed him.

Next day he closed his 

icici bank account. Why?

Becoz of icici's slogan: "we make ur dreams come true"

Think different.

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Lalu-Rabri tum meri CHAND ho.

Rabri- Na ji, hamko CHAND-VAND mat kahiye.

eee sasura America wale roz 

chand par utarte rahte hai

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Bikhar: kuch khane ko dedo baba

admi: tamatar khao

bikhari: roti dedo baba

admi: tamatar khao

bikhari: tamatar hi dedo baba

admi ki biwi : ye totle hai keh rahe 

hai kamake khao.

Funny Hindi Joke | Total | Santa Banta Singh

Teacher To Santa:- Your Son Is A FOOL......See Report Card.........
Eng......2
Maths...5
Science...7
Social Science.......8
Hindi....3
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Total..25
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Santa:- "Total" Me To Kamal Kia Hai Ji!! Is Subject Ki To Tuition Bhi Nahi Lagai Thi.....

Funny.Definitions | too hilarious | must read

Wonderfully described definitions.......   CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other! MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight! OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!" PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH! FATHER: A banker provided by nature CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence Later DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

Milk and Eggs | Funny Joke | English joke

 

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!) 

Funny jokes ... Explain the kids

Explain the kids!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Nobody Tells Me Anything .. too cute

Nobody Tells Me Anything

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said, "What are the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything.

Animal Jokes .. Funny whatsapp jokes

 

Some funny animal jokes!! OK, I know they're silly but you gotta laugh!! ;-)

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone. 

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LOTTO (The Lottery) : Funny Joke

 

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket first."

Funny whatsapp joke : Are you an ENGINEER?

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India.

He said: Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only.

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an Animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a Horse
I go to work running like a Deer
I work all the day like a Donkey
I run around for 11 months like a Bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a Monkey if I get time.
I am like a Rabbit before my wife

Doctor: Are you an ENGINEER?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

Funny: Never trust a lawyer that can use sign language

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper  A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language ..  The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"  Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"  The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."  Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"  The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." …..

Funny Joke : 86 Year-Old Blonde

 

A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing. "First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer. "I decided not to turn right," she explains. "Then why the up and down?" asks the officer. "Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"

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Funny Hindi jokes - Must read

Ek ladki ne chote bache k gaal pe kiss ki.

Girl-oh sorry tumare gaal pe lipstick lag gyi.

Baby kuch achcha karne se agar daag 

lagte he to daag achche hain

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2 dost ek hi exm me 2 ri bar fail ho gaye

1 dost- chal yaar suicide karte hai,

2 dost- abe pagla gaya h kya agle janam fir

"jr.KG" se shuru karna padega..

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Dad- Whos this girl ??

Boy- ohh she, My girlfriend

.

.

next day

Dad- now whos this "new" girl?

Boy-Rishta wohi Item Nayee..

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2 cockroach ICU Me ek dusre ke bagal me admit the..

1st- Kisne maara?

2nd- Arey koi ni, ek ladki mujhe dekh k

itna chillayi ke heart attack aa gya.

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salman khan-he bhagwan, 

mujhe itna smart kyon banaya, 

jab dekho ladkiyan paresan krti hain

bhagwan-jab tu itna paresan hai to

jra soch vivek kitna paresan hoga

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PATI:Kaash main GANPATI hota tum 

111- din tak meri puja karti Modak, Ladoo khilati....

PATNI:Haan kaash aisa hota fir har

saal Visarjan ke saal NAYA pati lati.

HAMARE DESH ME INKALAB KYU NAHI AATA

HAMARE DESH ME INKALAB KYU NAHI AATA

Funny whatsapp Jokes - Must read

Husband 2 wife~

"na kajre ki dhar,

na motio k haar.

na koi kiya singar,

phir b kitni sundar ho."

Wife~

oye, saaf-2 bol na ki

"make-up k liye paise ni dunga

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cycle wale ne 1 Aadmi ko takkar mar di.

Aur bola-Aap bahut lucky ho

Aadmi- kaise

Cycle wala- Aaj meri chutti hai

NAHI TO MAI TRUCK CHALATA HU

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Dr.-Aapki Biwi Ab Sirf 2 Dino Ki Mehman Hai, 

I Am So Sorry!

Santa- Sorry Ki Koi Baat Nahi Hai Dr. Saab,

Jab 20 Saal Nikal Gaye to 2 Din Bhi Nikal Hi Jayenge.

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Papu- Papa Good News H.

Snta- Kya?

Papu- Apko Yad H Apne Kha Tha K Agr

Mai Exam Me Pas Ho Jaun To Muje 5000 Denge. 

Snta- Han.

Papu- Apke 5000 Bch Gye!

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Jailer-Suna he tum shayar ho..Kuchh sunao yaar

Qaidi-"Gum-e-Ulfatme jo zindgi kat ti Hmari

Jis Din zamanat hui us din

zndagi khatam Tumhari

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Ek Larka Ghar Dair Say Lauta.

Maa:

Kahan Thay?

Beta:

Emotional film 

Dekhnay Gaya Tha

'MAA kA PYAR'.

.

Maa:

Ab ander Ja kay Action Film Dekh..

'BAAP ki MAAR'

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Medical Test : Funny Joke

Medical test

----- 

After his examination, the doctor said to Senior citizen David, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said David, "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in May and the second time is in December!"

Funny whatsapp jokes

Dad-beta batao jaan kahan se nikalti hai?

Beta- khirki se.

Dad- woh kaise?

Beta- kal didi ek larke se keh rahi thi jaan khirki se nikal jao

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Pathan Student: Miss kya raat ko aap mujhe Call kar rahi thi?

Miss: No

Pathan Student: Kamal hai

subha mere Mobile pe likha tha (MISS Call)

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2 boys were talking:

1st: Tu bohot accha swimming karta he, kaha pe sikha

.

.

2nd Boy:

.

"Pani me

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Sharabi hawa me COIN uchaalkar bola:

Heads Aaya to WHISKEY, Tails aaya to VODKA.

Zamin par Khada raha to RUM,

Aur .....

hawa me raha to Aaj se DARU BAND

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RAKHI SAWANT Train me!

TC- Ticket?

Rakhi-Mera to Chehra hi Ticket hai.

TC- Jurmana lagega!

Rakhi-kyun?

TC- Kyunki Tum 1st CLASS me baithi ho and Chehra 3rd CLASS ka hai

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Jyotish - tumhari jindagi me 14 ladkiya ayengi.

boy-oh yes,ye hui na baat.""what a life""

jyotish -jyada khush mtho bete

ek patni or 13 betiya hongi.

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Funny Jokes : Lalawa's Baby

 

Lalawa got married and had a child born in three months. His friends joked Lalawa about his possible pre-marital relationship with his wife. 

So Lalawa fuming went to his wife and asked, "Others have baby in nine months and how come you had in three?"

Wife asked, "Tell me how much time it is that you are married?"

Lalawa said, "Three"

Wife asked again, "How much time it is me who is married?"

Lalawa said, "Three"

"And how much time it was before baby was born?" Wife asked.

Lalawa said, "Three"

So add that up how much is that?

Lalawa very happily said, "Nine"

Wife swiped her forehead with semi-circled forefinger and Lalawa was dancing joyously.

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Funny Jokes : Donation to God

 

3 religious leaders were chatting. 

The Catholic priest says, all the Sunday collections belong to the church, and his church deposits all into the church`s bank account. 

The Hindu priest says, I draw a circle and throw the money received in the hundi (pot to collect donations), up into the sky, what ever falls within the circle goes to the devasthanam (temple) and the priest would keep the rest for himself. 

The Jewish Rabi says, I also throw all the collected money up into the sky, all that stays up there is for the God and all that falls is mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Funny Jokes: Indian Politician in Cannibal Restaurant

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Tourist: $ 8.00 Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00 Fried Explorer: $ 12.50 Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $ 100.00 Stuffed Indian Politician $ 200.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Indian Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to even clean them."

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Funny Joke : Story of a fry pan (Nasiruddin Hozza)

Once Nasiruddin Hozza has thrown a big party in his residence. So he needs one big fry pan and he lend it from his neighbor.

After few days he returned the big pry pan including a small fry pan.

The neighbor asked the reason and he told that "Your fry pan gave birth to a new small fry pan, so i gave you both the fry pans.

The man happily received the fry pans. After some days Nasiruddin Hozza needs again the big fry pan and he went to his neighbor and brought the fry pan.

But long time passed Hozza did not return the fry pan.

So the neighbor came to him and asked for his fry pan. Hozza replied "Your fry pan died to give birth of her 2nd issue."