A woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same.
It's better to love a short girl than not - a t-all.
In the showroom of a top-of-the-line dealership, 15 or so tropical trees stood sentinel among the highly polished luxury cars. As I was chatting with the treasurer, two large citrus trees bearing a splendid crop of fruit caught my eye. I laughed, and the treasurer followed my gaze to the sign tied to the trees: don't pick the lemons! Not long after, the sign and the fruit were removed.
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Have you ever tried honeymoon salad? It's lettuce alone.
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money? I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read: "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY."
The difference between in-laws and outlaws is outlaws are wanted.
Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole. One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!" He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend. "What's wrong?" his friend asks. "I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress." His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them." He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world . . ."
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
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