Stress : Nice one

 

Stress

A man went to see his doctor.

"Doc, you have to help me," the man said. "I'm under a lot of stress and I keep losing my temper."

"Tell me about the problem," the doctor replied.

The man thundered, "I just did, you jackass!"

Gossip

 

A woman saw her friend talking to another friend from a distance. Judging by the gestures they were using, the woman assumed some kind of secret was being told.

When the other left, the woman walked up to her friend. "What did she tell you?" she asked.

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said her friend.

"OK," the woman sighed.

The other friend then whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"

Mom's Helper

 

Susie was mother's helper. She always helped her with cooking, setting the table, chores and the like.

One evening her father was to have a guest over for dinner.

"Daddy's friend Mr. Smith is coming over for dinner tonight," the mother said to Susie. "Would you be a darling and set the table for four?"

"OK, Mommy!" Susie stated. She set the table.

A short while later their guest came in and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susie," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"He won't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

Texas vs. Australia

 

A Texas farmer took a vacation to Australia where the weather is beautiful and summery this time of year. There he met a local farmer and they got to talking.

"This is my wheat field," the Aussie said to the Texan.

"Oh, we have wheat fields twice as big in Texas," the Texan replied.

They walked around the ranch and passed by the livestock. "This is my herd of cattle," the Aussie said.

The Texan immediately replied, "We have longhorns back in Texas that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The Aussie was getting a little peeved at the Texan's bragging.

Just then they saw a group of kangaroos hopping through the field.

"What are those?" the Texan asked.

The Aussie replied with a wicked smile, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Fix the Mail Box

"Honey, could you fix the mailbox for me?" a wife asked her husband one Sunday afternoon.

"What's wrong with it?" the husband asked.

"The post is starting to rot. It needs a new post," the wife replied. "But save the box."

"I'll take a look at it," the husband replied.

He walked to the end of the driveway where he did find the post to the mailbox was indeed in bad shape. To free the box from the post, he pulled out all the nails except for one that just wouldn't come out. He wrapped his arms around the box in a bear hug and began trying to yank it off.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but it doesn't work. The bills just keep on coming!"

Parking Lot Rules

 

Parking lots have rules. I'll bet you didn't know that! Neither did we until we came across these Parking Lot Rules:

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.
Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.

Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.

Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.

Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

Dirty Talk at Work

 

It is best to watch what you say in the workplace. However, if you find yourself saying any of these phrases, not to worry. They may sound risque, but in fact they're only...

Things That Sound Dirty at Work But Really Aren't:

10. "I need to whip it out by 5."

9. "Mind if I use your laptop?"

8. "Put it in my box before I leave."

7. "If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!"

6. "I want it on my desk NOW!"

5. "HMMMM... I think it's out of fluid."

4. "My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish."

3. "It's an entry-level position."

2. "When do you think you'll be getting off today?"

1. "It's not fair! I do all the work while he just sits there!"

Cancer Research

A man was walking down a city street one day when he was approached by a woman with a clipboard.

"Good day, Sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

"Just a few minutes?" the man asked.

"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.

"Okay," the man said, "But we're not going to get much done."

Pull Over

 

A woman was driving home when she saw the blues in her rear view mirror. "Pull over!" the cop said. 

The lady pulled over. She rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the cop said. "Plus, I see you're not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote the woman a $25.00 ticket.

Back home, the woman sat and wondered how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had an idea.

Opening the checkbook register she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.