Date: Today
Place: A marriage hall, Chennai.
Finally, the marriage is taking place today. I was waiting so long for
this And now it's happening. First big occasion in my life. All the
pre-marriage ceremonies were going on. It's a Brahmin marriage. So
needless to say about the ceremonies. Yes, she is a Brahmin. My angel.
I was restlessly waiting to get a glimpse of her in her wedding saree.
I was pretending to be chatting with my friends but my eyes were
searching for her. Still 30 minutes to go for the auspicious time.
Damn. That's a long way. I thought I could do a little flashback of my
life. With her.
7 years ago.
Place: 12th grade chemistry lab, school, some developing town in TN.
Generally I'm quite a reserved person. I don't speak to girls
much.(like most of the TN guys). I used to be the topper in school. So
all girls speak to me only to clarify their doubts regarding studies.
She studied with me from class 3. Now we were in class 12. That's 10
years. But we would've spoken hardly 10 times. It was yet another
regular day in chemistry lab. All of us were fighting with pipettes
and burettes and some solutions. Being a topper, obviously I fought
harder than others. After class I went near the basin to drain the
resultant solution. Good timing. She was already there. She saw me
with her cute eyes.
She: hi padips (studious), got the output???
Me: ya… you??
She: me too. I wanna ask you something??
Me(surprised): why. whats that? Ask.
She: why is that you don't speak to girls much?
Me(stammering): I…i…I don't know. Not like that.
She: you know what? I really like you very much. I wanted to be
friends with you. But don't know how you'll take it. I was hesitant
for long time. Now I told. Please accept me as your friend. Please
please.
Completely taken aback. I never expected this from her. I was
expecting something like 'what is the color change to record the pH of
the solution?'.
Me: ya sure..
I fell for the girlish cuteness on her smile.
Me: ok bye.. I've to complete the record notebook. See you later.
Yes I was such a dumb head.
I was so happy for the next few weeks. I never spoke to her after that
lab incident. I always wanted to speak. But didn't know how, when and
what. I wanted her phone number desperately. We didn't have any mobile
phones that time. Somehow I got her landline number through my
friend's friend who is her friend. I gave her a ring and literally my
hands were trembling when I did so. I was praying that her mom or dad
shouldn't pick the phone. Someone said hello. Thank god it was her. I
spoke to her the first time on phone. I was happy that I did my part
on becoming her friend. So, that's how our friendship journey begun.
Today:
Finally my wait was over. The priest at the center of the marriage
hall asked the bride to come forward. There she came. With a maroon
silk saree draped around her beautifully in madisar style. I could see
the fear of getting married, on her cute round face. The fear of being
the center of attraction. She looked beautiful more than ever.
Marvelous, stupendous, cute, classy, elegant…. I scolded myself for my
lack of words and my poor vocabulary. She sat at the center of the
stage. She was smiling. I looked at my watch. Another 20 minutes left
for calling the groom to stage. I thought that's enough time to rewind
how we both ended up here in this situation.
4 years ago:
Place: college, Chennai.
Both of us got into the top university of the state as we scored well
in our board exam. That's the default college where all toppers of the
state study. So no one could blame me that I chose the same college as
her's. Our friendship journey, thus continued and we became more and
more close. I liked her for the way she was. Innocence at its peak.
She loved the way I cared about her. I advice her a lot. I was so
happy that I got such a friend. I didn't know why but I never had any
love feelings on her. She was my best friend and I was so happy with
it. In fact content with it. Until………. One day
She: I wanted to say you something personally.
Me: what is that?
She: first assure me you won't mistake me or get angry.
Me: sure tell.
She: I fear I may fall in love with you da.
OH MY GOD. What the hell did she say now?
Me: what?
She: no da. You are so close to me. and you take care of me so much. I
fear all these will make me fall in love with you.
Me: so you are going to love me? or leave me?
She: no da how can I love you. You are my best friend.
Before I could respond
She: ok leave it da. I feel so embarrassed to speak about it. Needn't
speak about this anymore. Don't worry I'll be alright. I'll be your
old friend. It's just that I'm new to this kind of affection.
So I was not allowed to speak about it anymore. Could a guy be the
same after such a thing told by a girl???? Everything around me
changed. You have to be guy to experience how it felt. Guys fall just
for a girl's smile But now this girl had told me that she may fall in
love with me. Oh my god.. I was in heaven. As a Java programmer, I
should say I was instantiated. I was expecting her to propose me any
day. At least I was expecting her to speak about this topic. But she
never did. She also refused to speak when I myself ask anything
related to it. I thought I should give her a break. May be she was
afraid of taking such a huge decision now. I know about her. She is
innocent and afraid about making decisions. So let me wait. Where is
she going to go? Waiting is pleasure in love.
I was not the same old friend from that day. My ringtone changed from
"Swat kats" theme to "SMS movie theme" (oru paarvaiyil). Suddenly she
appeared beautiful to my eyes. She was always beautiful. But why
didn't I notice it till now? "Surya" will be a perfect match for her.
I look like "Dhanush". But even Dhanush got his chance to act with
"Shriya" and "Genelia". So why won't I get a girl like her? I became
possessive on her from that day I cannot accept her being close to any
other guy. I used to admire her in every dress she wore. I waited to
see her every day.
Today:
They'll be calling the groom any time now. I was getting ready. My
brother's daughter came running towards me and told that the priest
asked the groom to come to the stage. I lifted her and walked towards
the stage. My angel saw me coming. With a lovely smile she greeted me
with her eyes… I went near the stage….
6 months ago.
Place: Chennai.
College days were over. I was working in a software company. A more
responsible person now. So was she. I never regretted my decision of
waiting. We were excellent friends through these years. Caring and
supporting each other more than ever. I was still confused about the
right time to express my feelings. Obviously afraid of the
consequences. But damn sure she would accept me anyway. How the hell
would she refuse me? I was her most beloved person for almost 6 years
now.
It was my birthday. I had a few surprises from my close
friends(including her). We all met after a long time. It was a
pleasant evening and we were enjoying it at Marina. She was playfully
teasing the sea waves from touching her feet. I had her mobile in my
hand. Casually browsing the pictures and videos in her phone gallery,
I came across this particular video suddenly. It was her in the video
and she recorded it on her own. She started speaking on the video. It
was addressed to me.
"She: Hi da…., a very beloved birthday wishes to my beloved friend
ever. I want to…………"
Suddenly she snatched the phone from my hand.
She: hello sir,,, what are you doing?? These things are supposed to be
surprises….
Me: hey gimme that.. don't worry I'll react as if I'm surprised. Shall
I say 'Oh My God?' after seeing that? Or else temme what you would
like to hear. I'll react accordingly.
She: No just wait till night. Can't give it now.
Me: please???
She: no!!!!
So once again I was excited in life. I got the wildest imaginations
about what could that be. I was restless. I wanna know it soon. Adding
fuel, some of my friends even commented that my surprises were not
finished and my biggest surprise is yet to come. Damn How can a guy
wait? Somehow I got the feeling that its her proposal. The video was
for four minutes. Wasn't four minutes enough for proposing? How should
I react? I shouldn't accept immediately. Let me have some fun. All
sort of craziest thoughts circled my head.
So, finally I saw the video. Absolute disappointment. It was the usual
stuff of how much she values me and my friendship, blah , blah…
complete four minutes of praising our friendship. The surprises which
my friends meant came from my parents. I had to appreciate her for the
effort she put in for making my birthday memorable. I was lucky. But
not lucky enough. Again I was instantiated. May be referenced this
time. More than ever. I can't wait more. I felt the time has come. But
I thought I should wait a month more. It'll be her birthday next
month. I thought of giving myself as her gift. I started dreaming on
how to propose her. I couldn't sleep properly anymore. As wise men
said, for the first time reality became more beautiful than dreams.
A few days were left for her birthday and so I haven't proposed yet.
My cell phone beeped and it was a message from her.
She: hey you know what?? They started seeing alliance for me.
That was the most shocking news of my life. What the hell… My heart
felt very heavy. Damn… I couldn't bare the pain. I didn't know how to
react. But eventually my reaction was
Me: Wow that's great. So when'll be ur marriage then?
She: mostly by next April or May.
Immediately I started counting the number of days left. That's hardly
six months. I was not able to digest it. Just 6 months. I didn't know
whether I should propose now. All these years I had a strong belief
that she'll obviously accept when I propose. All those beliefs
shattered. Then she added
She: my dad spoke to me yesterday. He almost broke down. He told how
much he values me and said I should earn respect for the family. He
asked me not to love anyone.
By the way, which dad asks her daughter to go love someone. I was
sitting in my room lonely thinking of my fate. I wanted to cry badly.
I couldn't sleep. I was sure she won't accept now if I propose. I
decided against it. My days became the slowest ever. I wanted to share
my sorrow with someone. Unluckily all my friends were her friends too.
I couldn't take risk on that. My cell beeped again.
She: you won't feel ah? That I'll be leaving you in another 6 months.
I'll miss you very much.
Me: no I won't. I know this'll happen and I was prepared for it You'll
have to leave your dad, mom and bro. It's just like that. But Six
months is too little time. Anyway I'll manage. (Blatant lie)
She: so you won't feel?
Me: I'm saying no na. Then what?
She: Imagine right now I fall in love with someone. That time will you feel?
Me: why? What difference does that make from the previous question?
I'll feel the same only. I told la someday its gonna happen anyway.
Then what?
She: no… me selecting someone is different from my parents selecting
someone. If I select someone myself, wont you feel why is that someone
not you……. I mean I was so close to you more than anyone else.
I wanted to change the topic. I don't want to speak about it anymore.
I'll surely break down. I seriously got no idea what girls mean or
want. The most mysterious creatures…..
Me: so how would you like ur husband to be? How should he look?
She: well obviously like all girls expect he should be fair and handsome.
I never felt myself handsome in my entire life. First time ever I
started feeling inferior about my appearance. Maybe that's why she
didn't want me, I thought to myself.
Me: and what should be his status? Like salary etc.
She: he should earn at least 75k and he should own a house and a car.
Now that's four times my salary and I don't even a own a bike.
Inferior and more inferior.
She: and preferably I want a groom from foreign countries. Like
Singapore. But not U.S.
Well I've been out of TN 5 times at the maximum and never crossed
Karnataka or Kerala. Inferiority kills me. I wanted to hide my face
somewhere. In one way I was happy that at least I could make up a
reason for the unanswered question of 'why not me?'. I couldn't
message her anymore. I gave some excuse and told will continue later.
I wished that later never came.
But it did come. She asked the same question which I didn't want to
answer. The same what if she selected someone by herself and that's
not me.
Me: why should I feel for that. Its your choice and as a friend I'll
help you in making that decision. That's it.
She: so you never thought why you shouldn't be the one I select?
I don't wanna answer. I was losing my control. What the hell she
wanted….. but she continued
She: ok what if I fall in love with any of my friends other than you?
Like sachin, dharan or parthi? They are my friends too. When I decide
to love a friend, wont you feel why that friend is not you….
Me: so that means you have some feelings for one among them.
She: no I didn't mean like that. I just gave an example.
Me: so if you choose among them, who has the highest probability?
I didn't wanna ask this question. But somehow it came. But I never
expected an answer. In fact I don't want an answer for it. But she
answered.
She: obviously sachin. I'm more close to him than parthi and dharan.
That was it. The first thing that came to my mind was that sachin is a
Brahmin. So I had another reason to make up. Frustration, fear of
losing her, inferiority and now newly added possessiveness made me
lose my control.
Me: FYI, I'm more close than sachin.
She: ya, but I can't love you la….
Me: why is that?
She: you are my best friend da.
Me: so?
She: how can someone love their best friend da?
Me: on which planet or culture, did they frame that rule? I haven't
heard about it.
She: no da… how can a girl be intimate with her best friend?
Me: so a girl can be intimate with her other friends but not best friend?
She: no I said sachin as an example only.
Me: ok leave about him. So you are ready to be intimate with some
stranger your dad shows but not with your friend who does everything
and anything to make you happy?
She: I'll feel embarrassed to think my friend in that way.
Me: just now you accepted you've chance of falling in love with
sachin. Won't you feel embarrassed with him?
She: what happened to you suddenly? Just now you too said, you won't
feel, when I get married and you are prepared for it nu…
Me: It's really sad you can't find that it was a lie..
She: so you'll feel then?
Me: what the hell you thought of me? some robot without a heart? Even
robots love nowadays.
She: then why did you tell a lie?
Me: what difference will that make now? You have your own "only
Friend-no Lover" theory.
She: seriously I can't love you da. I never thought you like that.
Me: silly girls. You expect your husband to be a good friend. But you
won't accept a good friend to be your husband.
She: you won't understand it. Please leave this topic. I'm sorry for
asking you that question.
Me: yes I don't understand. I really don't understand. But you???
Either you don't wanna understand or act as if you don't understand. I
accept I don't have the money. I'm not good looking. I don't live in
Singapore, but I just bet you one thing… no one will ever care for you
like I do. No one can keep you happy more than I do.
She: just leave me alone please.
Yes I left her alone. I didn't disturb her after that. I was hurt. I
had no courage or hope that I'll convince her. I started maintaining
distance from her. I should practice to live a life sans her. I knew
it'll be difficult. Sometimes she used to ask why am I not the old
friend anymore. She asked as if she don't know the reason. Girls…..
girls….. girls….. even god will find it difficult to understand them.
Today:
She sat on her dad's lap as in Brahmin's tradition. She didn't lift
her face. She was constantly seeing down, like any other girl during
marriage. The priest passed the sacred thread (thaali). I had a lump
on my throat. Then…………..
HE collected the 'thaali' and put three knots. Yes…. "HE"…. A fair and
handsome looking guy working in 'Google' and earning 1.25L. The couple
is likely to go to Europe in a few days. I wished them good luck and
left the marriage hall soon. I couldn't stay there more. I never drank
in my life. I had no reason why I didn't. May be because she doesn't
like it. But that day I did. She is no more mine I can't disturb her
anymore the way I used to. I can't share my deepest secrets with her.
I can't be the first one to wish her 'happy birthday' every year. I
don't have a shoulder to cry anymore. I can't tease her for her new
hairstyle. She is gonna be close with someone else. She is not gonna
ask 'are you ok now?', for every hour, whenever I fall ill. She is not
gonna share the gossips with me anymore. She is not gonna ask me how
her new dress looks, even though she knows my answer will be 'it
sucks'. And above all, to be modest, being an ordinary guy with all
human feelings,
Few months later:
My cell phone rang. It was her. I spoke to her after a very long time
and it was some ordinary greetings between two distant strangers. She
was happy with her new life. And I'm happy to know that. After a five
minute conversation I hung up the phone.
I am not sure whether this is destiny or my mistake or time that has
made us like this. But for sure the love and affection I had for her
has to be buried. Love, that colored the entire world for me has now
turned to ashes inside the skin, nerves and bones.
Place: A marriage hall, Chennai.
Finally, the marriage is taking place today. I was waiting so long for
this And now it's happening. First big occasion in my life. All the
pre-marriage ceremonies were going on. It's a Brahmin marriage. So
needless to say about the ceremonies. Yes, she is a Brahmin. My angel.
I was restlessly waiting to get a glimpse of her in her wedding saree.
I was pretending to be chatting with my friends but my eyes were
searching for her. Still 30 minutes to go for the auspicious time.
Damn. That's a long way. I thought I could do a little flashback of my
life. With her.
7 years ago.
Place: 12th grade chemistry lab, school, some developing town in TN.
Generally I'm quite a reserved person. I don't speak to girls
much.(like most of the TN guys). I used to be the topper in school. So
all girls speak to me only to clarify their doubts regarding studies.
She studied with me from class 3. Now we were in class 12. That's 10
years. But we would've spoken hardly 10 times. It was yet another
regular day in chemistry lab. All of us were fighting with pipettes
and burettes and some solutions. Being a topper, obviously I fought
harder than others. After class I went near the basin to drain the
resultant solution. Good timing. She was already there. She saw me
with her cute eyes.
She: hi padips (studious), got the output???
Me: ya… you??
She: me too. I wanna ask you something??
Me(surprised): why. whats that? Ask.
She: why is that you don't speak to girls much?
Me(stammering): I…i…I don't know. Not like that.
She: you know what? I really like you very much. I wanted to be
friends with you. But don't know how you'll take it. I was hesitant
for long time. Now I told. Please accept me as your friend. Please
please.
Completely taken aback. I never expected this from her. I was
expecting something like 'what is the color change to record the pH of
the solution?'.
Me: ya sure..
I fell for the girlish cuteness on her smile.
Me: ok bye.. I've to complete the record notebook. See you later.
Yes I was such a dumb head.
I was so happy for the next few weeks. I never spoke to her after that
lab incident. I always wanted to speak. But didn't know how, when and
what. I wanted her phone number desperately. We didn't have any mobile
phones that time. Somehow I got her landline number through my
friend's friend who is her friend. I gave her a ring and literally my
hands were trembling when I did so. I was praying that her mom or dad
shouldn't pick the phone. Someone said hello. Thank god it was her. I
spoke to her the first time on phone. I was happy that I did my part
on becoming her friend. So, that's how our friendship journey begun.
Today:
Finally my wait was over. The priest at the center of the marriage
hall asked the bride to come forward. There she came. With a maroon
silk saree draped around her beautifully in madisar style. I could see
the fear of getting married, on her cute round face. The fear of being
the center of attraction. She looked beautiful more than ever.
Marvelous, stupendous, cute, classy, elegant…. I scolded myself for my
lack of words and my poor vocabulary. She sat at the center of the
stage. She was smiling. I looked at my watch. Another 20 minutes left
for calling the groom to stage. I thought that's enough time to rewind
how we both ended up here in this situation.
4 years ago:
Place: college, Chennai.
Both of us got into the top university of the state as we scored well
in our board exam. That's the default college where all toppers of the
state study. So no one could blame me that I chose the same college as
her's. Our friendship journey, thus continued and we became more and
more close. I liked her for the way she was. Innocence at its peak.
She loved the way I cared about her. I advice her a lot. I was so
happy that I got such a friend. I didn't know why but I never had any
love feelings on her. She was my best friend and I was so happy with
it. In fact content with it. Until………. One day
She: I wanted to say you something personally.
Me: what is that?
She: first assure me you won't mistake me or get angry.
Me: sure tell.
She: I fear I may fall in love with you da.
OH MY GOD. What the hell did she say now?
Me: what?
She: no da. You are so close to me. and you take care of me so much. I
fear all these will make me fall in love with you.
Me: so you are going to love me? or leave me?
She: no da how can I love you. You are my best friend.
Before I could respond
She: ok leave it da. I feel so embarrassed to speak about it. Needn't
speak about this anymore. Don't worry I'll be alright. I'll be your
old friend. It's just that I'm new to this kind of affection.
So I was not allowed to speak about it anymore. Could a guy be the
same after such a thing told by a girl???? Everything around me
changed. You have to be guy to experience how it felt. Guys fall just
for a girl's smile But now this girl had told me that she may fall in
love with me. Oh my god.. I was in heaven. As a Java programmer, I
should say I was instantiated. I was expecting her to propose me any
day. At least I was expecting her to speak about this topic. But she
never did. She also refused to speak when I myself ask anything
related to it. I thought I should give her a break. May be she was
afraid of taking such a huge decision now. I know about her. She is
innocent and afraid about making decisions. So let me wait. Where is
she going to go? Waiting is pleasure in love.
I was not the same old friend from that day. My ringtone changed from
"Swat kats" theme to "SMS movie theme" (oru paarvaiyil). Suddenly she
appeared beautiful to my eyes. She was always beautiful. But why
didn't I notice it till now? "Surya" will be a perfect match for her.
I look like "Dhanush". But even Dhanush got his chance to act with
"Shriya" and "Genelia". So why won't I get a girl like her? I became
possessive on her from that day I cannot accept her being close to any
other guy. I used to admire her in every dress she wore. I waited to
see her every day.
Today:
They'll be calling the groom any time now. I was getting ready. My
brother's daughter came running towards me and told that the priest
asked the groom to come to the stage. I lifted her and walked towards
the stage. My angel saw me coming. With a lovely smile she greeted me
with her eyes… I went near the stage….
6 months ago.
Place: Chennai.
College days were over. I was working in a software company. A more
responsible person now. So was she. I never regretted my decision of
waiting. We were excellent friends through these years. Caring and
supporting each other more than ever. I was still confused about the
right time to express my feelings. Obviously afraid of the
consequences. But damn sure she would accept me anyway. How the hell
would she refuse me? I was her most beloved person for almost 6 years
now.
It was my birthday. I had a few surprises from my close
friends(including her). We all met after a long time. It was a
pleasant evening and we were enjoying it at Marina. She was playfully
teasing the sea waves from touching her feet. I had her mobile in my
hand. Casually browsing the pictures and videos in her phone gallery,
I came across this particular video suddenly. It was her in the video
and she recorded it on her own. She started speaking on the video. It
was addressed to me.
"She: Hi da…., a very beloved birthday wishes to my beloved friend
ever. I want to…………"
Suddenly she snatched the phone from my hand.
She: hello sir,,, what are you doing?? These things are supposed to be
surprises….
Me: hey gimme that.. don't worry I'll react as if I'm surprised. Shall
I say 'Oh My God?' after seeing that? Or else temme what you would
like to hear. I'll react accordingly.
She: No just wait till night. Can't give it now.
Me: please???
She: no!!!!
So once again I was excited in life. I got the wildest imaginations
about what could that be. I was restless. I wanna know it soon. Adding
fuel, some of my friends even commented that my surprises were not
finished and my biggest surprise is yet to come. Damn How can a guy
wait? Somehow I got the feeling that its her proposal. The video was
for four minutes. Wasn't four minutes enough for proposing? How should
I react? I shouldn't accept immediately. Let me have some fun. All
sort of craziest thoughts circled my head.
So, finally I saw the video. Absolute disappointment. It was the usual
stuff of how much she values me and my friendship, blah , blah…
complete four minutes of praising our friendship. The surprises which
my friends meant came from my parents. I had to appreciate her for the
effort she put in for making my birthday memorable. I was lucky. But
not lucky enough. Again I was instantiated. May be referenced this
time. More than ever. I can't wait more. I felt the time has come. But
I thought I should wait a month more. It'll be her birthday next
month. I thought of giving myself as her gift. I started dreaming on
how to propose her. I couldn't sleep properly anymore. As wise men
said, for the first time reality became more beautiful than dreams.
A few days were left for her birthday and so I haven't proposed yet.
My cell phone beeped and it was a message from her.
She: hey you know what?? They started seeing alliance for me.
That was the most shocking news of my life. What the hell… My heart
felt very heavy. Damn… I couldn't bare the pain. I didn't know how to
react. But eventually my reaction was
Me: Wow that's great. So when'll be ur marriage then?
She: mostly by next April or May.
Immediately I started counting the number of days left. That's hardly
six months. I was not able to digest it. Just 6 months. I didn't know
whether I should propose now. All these years I had a strong belief
that she'll obviously accept when I propose. All those beliefs
shattered. Then she added
She: my dad spoke to me yesterday. He almost broke down. He told how
much he values me and said I should earn respect for the family. He
asked me not to love anyone.
By the way, which dad asks her daughter to go love someone. I was
sitting in my room lonely thinking of my fate. I wanted to cry badly.
I couldn't sleep. I was sure she won't accept now if I propose. I
decided against it. My days became the slowest ever. I wanted to share
my sorrow with someone. Unluckily all my friends were her friends too.
I couldn't take risk on that. My cell beeped again.
She: you won't feel ah? That I'll be leaving you in another 6 months.
I'll miss you very much.
Me: no I won't. I know this'll happen and I was prepared for it You'll
have to leave your dad, mom and bro. It's just like that. But Six
months is too little time. Anyway I'll manage. (Blatant lie)
She: so you won't feel?
Me: I'm saying no na. Then what?
She: Imagine right now I fall in love with someone. That time will you feel?
Me: why? What difference does that make from the previous question?
I'll feel the same only. I told la someday its gonna happen anyway.
Then what?
She: no… me selecting someone is different from my parents selecting
someone. If I select someone myself, wont you feel why is that someone
not you……. I mean I was so close to you more than anyone else.
I wanted to change the topic. I don't want to speak about it anymore.
I'll surely break down. I seriously got no idea what girls mean or
want. The most mysterious creatures…..
Me: so how would you like ur husband to be? How should he look?
She: well obviously like all girls expect he should be fair and handsome.
I never felt myself handsome in my entire life. First time ever I
started feeling inferior about my appearance. Maybe that's why she
didn't want me, I thought to myself.
Me: and what should be his status? Like salary etc.
She: he should earn at least 75k and he should own a house and a car.
Now that's four times my salary and I don't even a own a bike.
Inferior and more inferior.
She: and preferably I want a groom from foreign countries. Like
Singapore. But not U.S.
Well I've been out of TN 5 times at the maximum and never crossed
Karnataka or Kerala. Inferiority kills me. I wanted to hide my face
somewhere. In one way I was happy that at least I could make up a
reason for the unanswered question of 'why not me?'. I couldn't
message her anymore. I gave some excuse and told will continue later.
I wished that later never came.
But it did come. She asked the same question which I didn't want to
answer. The same what if she selected someone by herself and that's
not me.
Me: why should I feel for that. Its your choice and as a friend I'll
help you in making that decision. That's it.
She: so you never thought why you shouldn't be the one I select?
I don't wanna answer. I was losing my control. What the hell she
wanted….. but she continued
She: ok what if I fall in love with any of my friends other than you?
Like sachin, dharan or parthi? They are my friends too. When I decide
to love a friend, wont you feel why that friend is not you….
Me: so that means you have some feelings for one among them.
She: no I didn't mean like that. I just gave an example.
Me: so if you choose among them, who has the highest probability?
I didn't wanna ask this question. But somehow it came. But I never
expected an answer. In fact I don't want an answer for it. But she
answered.
She: obviously sachin. I'm more close to him than parthi and dharan.
That was it. The first thing that came to my mind was that sachin is a
Brahmin. So I had another reason to make up. Frustration, fear of
losing her, inferiority and now newly added possessiveness made me
lose my control.
Me: FYI, I'm more close than sachin.
She: ya, but I can't love you la….
Me: why is that?
She: you are my best friend da.
Me: so?
She: how can someone love their best friend da?
Me: on which planet or culture, did they frame that rule? I haven't
heard about it.
She: no da… how can a girl be intimate with her best friend?
Me: so a girl can be intimate with her other friends but not best friend?
She: no I said sachin as an example only.
Me: ok leave about him. So you are ready to be intimate with some
stranger your dad shows but not with your friend who does everything
and anything to make you happy?
She: I'll feel embarrassed to think my friend in that way.
Me: just now you accepted you've chance of falling in love with
sachin. Won't you feel embarrassed with him?
She: what happened to you suddenly? Just now you too said, you won't
feel, when I get married and you are prepared for it nu…
Me: It's really sad you can't find that it was a lie..
She: so you'll feel then?
Me: what the hell you thought of me? some robot without a heart? Even
robots love nowadays.
She: then why did you tell a lie?
Me: what difference will that make now? You have your own "only
Friend-no Lover" theory.
She: seriously I can't love you da. I never thought you like that.
Me: silly girls. You expect your husband to be a good friend. But you
won't accept a good friend to be your husband.
She: you won't understand it. Please leave this topic. I'm sorry for
asking you that question.
Me: yes I don't understand. I really don't understand. But you???
Either you don't wanna understand or act as if you don't understand. I
accept I don't have the money. I'm not good looking. I don't live in
Singapore, but I just bet you one thing… no one will ever care for you
like I do. No one can keep you happy more than I do.
She: just leave me alone please.
Yes I left her alone. I didn't disturb her after that. I was hurt. I
had no courage or hope that I'll convince her. I started maintaining
distance from her. I should practice to live a life sans her. I knew
it'll be difficult. Sometimes she used to ask why am I not the old
friend anymore. She asked as if she don't know the reason. Girls…..
girls….. girls….. even god will find it difficult to understand them.
Today:
She sat on her dad's lap as in Brahmin's tradition. She didn't lift
her face. She was constantly seeing down, like any other girl during
marriage. The priest passed the sacred thread (thaali). I had a lump
on my throat. Then…………..
HE collected the 'thaali' and put three knots. Yes…. "HE"…. A fair and
handsome looking guy working in 'Google' and earning 1.25L. The couple
is likely to go to Europe in a few days. I wished them good luck and
left the marriage hall soon. I couldn't stay there more. I never drank
in my life. I had no reason why I didn't. May be because she doesn't
like it. But that day I did. She is no more mine I can't disturb her
anymore the way I used to. I can't share my deepest secrets with her.
I can't be the first one to wish her 'happy birthday' every year. I
don't have a shoulder to cry anymore. I can't tease her for her new
hairstyle. She is gonna be close with someone else. She is not gonna
ask 'are you ok now?', for every hour, whenever I fall ill. She is not
gonna share the gossips with me anymore. She is not gonna ask me how
her new dress looks, even though she knows my answer will be 'it
sucks'. And above all, to be modest, being an ordinary guy with all
human feelings,
Few months later:
My cell phone rang. It was her. I spoke to her after a very long time
and it was some ordinary greetings between two distant strangers. She
was happy with her new life. And I'm happy to know that. After a five
minute conversation I hung up the phone.
I am not sure whether this is destiny or my mistake or time that has
made us like this. But for sure the love and affection I had for her
has to be buried. Love, that colored the entire world for me has now
turned to ashes inside the skin, nerves and bones.
__,_._,___
No comments:
Post a Comment